how to be yours

So a couple weeks back I stumbled across this song called "How to Be Yours" by Chris Renzema (listen here). I fell in love with this song because it felt like it was written specifically for me in this season of my life. This summer weather has been pulling me out of the ten-ish month slump I've been in which has been awesome. I think God really uses the tough times to teach us about him and ourselves though, so I thought I'd share what I've been learning. 

 In my feelings inadequacy, I've distanced myself from God and things associated with Him, because I haven't felt like I was enough. Rather than living in the promised land that I have full access to, I've been wandering in the desert on my own accord. That's where this song comes in. Each of the verses (except for the last) seem to be from the believer's point of view talking to God. It starts off with a little piano melody that sounds like a sweet hymn you'd hear in someone's grandparents church, and then it hits you with these heavy few lines: 

you say that you love me

don't say that you love me

cause I don't know how to be yours

you say that you want me

don't say that you want me

cause I don't know how to be yours

Now, its not like I've not listened to people tell me my whole life that God loves me. I've heard it plenty. However, I think my concept of love has been skewed for a long time. How I've seen love work in my life is a way that is very much conditional. As long as you do what everyone wants you to do and don't mess up, then you will be loved by your friends and family. The problem with this though, is that I projected this kind of "love" onto God. I thought if I went through all the motions of being a "good Christian" then he would love me. I don't want him to say that he loves me, or that he wants me, because I don't think I deserve it. I've blown it too many times. I can't keep up on my own. Because I can't accept the grace he pours out, I feel like I don't know how to belong to him because I don't accept this love because I think I didn't do anything to earn it. My default is not holy or righteous so I try my hardest to gain his approval, and beat the crap out of myself when I don't measure up.

The enemy wants us in this place of striving, y'all. He wants you running around in circles working your little heart to death trying to be nice enough, loving enough, funny enough, etc, so that you are so focused on yourself that you lose sight of the only one who could ever be all of those things perfectly.

"there is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God...therefore no one will be declared righteous in God's sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin"                    Romans 3:11,20

What I have to remind myself of every day is that this grace thing isn't a one and done kinda thing. He knows that even in today's repentance, you will break his heart again a little tomorrow. But guess what? You are still as precious in his sight today in whatever you've done as you were before you ever thought an evil thought. I don't mean to encourage disobedience to him, but rather to become more aware of it so that through loving God, obedience to him will come as just as a product of following him. To become more aware of our need for him to help us along the way.

The next part of the song fits hand in hand with the beginning when facing difficulty accepting grace:

I still act like an orphan I guess

and my hard heart breaks to confess

that even while you hold me

as I cry on the floor

I still don't know how to be yours

 And its true. I act like an orphan. A lot of times I'll sit and pity myself in my struggles, whether it be financial, relational, or spiritual, as if I wasn't a daughter of the King who himself breathed the stars. As if I wasn't an heir to the kingdom as his child. Coming from a family who doesn't have a whole lot of extra, I put this human characteristic on God when it comes to inheritance. I forget all the time that I can confidently ask my Father for what I need in Jesus' name and he will provide for me and plus some. What we will receive from God as his children though far surpasses fine rings and plots of land.

And still, it hurts when I have to tell God that the mistake I've made over and over. I love the rawness of this song. I think it puts words to the actual struggle we have in this world we don't belong in. At least for me it does. Its not all Sunday school kicks and giggles. Its people hating you because you follow Jesus. Its family alienating themselves from you, but being comforted because before you suffered, Jesus suffered for the same things, but even worse. Its forgetting that grace covers you and forgetting your identity in Christ and then reminding yourself again. Its an unseen warfare that is going on all around us. Andddd that's when my favorite of the song comes in speaking from perspective of our loving Father to his children:

So love me or hate me 

I'm not going anywhere

leave me or take me

you still bare my signature

know me or not

seen or forgot

I'm not walking out on you.

I can just imagine God speaking these words tenderly to the world. He gives us the choice to love him or hate him, yet he will never go anywhere. And still, even though we bare the signature of our creator, he will never force us to follow him. Gently and softly he will call for you, never ever walking out on you. How rare a love like this.

So, if you got this far, let me be a reminder for you today:

• stop trying so hard, kid. you are awesome and unique and beautiful.

• seek after Him first, then all the rest will fall into place. 

• even if you choose not to follow him, he will never walk out on you.

• know that true love is unconditional, that God is love, and that God loves you.

Okay, I'm done. :) Have a swell day, love. 

Mags.