grace sweet like honey

About a year and a half ago I moved from Northwest Arkansas to Western South Dakota. In the weeks leading up to moving though, I was getting ready to take finals, packing my things, and saying lots of goodbyes. One goodbye, however, hit me harder than the rest. On the eve of my Geology final, I laid curled into a ball on my bed as my mother comforted me. With swollen eyes and a tear streaked face, I felt completely defeated. A relationship I had been in for three years suddenly came to an abrupt end. It felt like a punch to the gut, but I couldn't shake the shortness of breath that followed. I was somewhat anticipating this end, but the realness of it in this moment made it seem like a rug had just been ripped out from under me.

It was on this night, about a week or two after the breakup, that it sunk in. Everything I had been gripping onto so tightly had escaped from my grasp. It was real this time and I knew it. No getting back together. It broke me. I had no clue how to cope. I resorted to watching cheesy "you'll get back together" videos from unqualified people on YouTube. Yikes y'all. Poor Mags. HAHA. (I was actually pretty pitiful but I promise this gets better) I was an uncollected mess of tears who had her heart broken for the very first time.

Now, for some reason, in this moment I felt this anger at every Christian I had ever remembered to be content (and even joyous) in times of extreme pain and hurt. How could they detach from reality so easily? It felt almost like negligence to me. Like they didn't care about anything. At the same time though, I envied their ability to find comfort amidst such sorrow. How was it possible?Frustrated, I turned on one of the few Christian songs I knew at the time in search of something. I guess you could say that comfort is what I longed for. I wanted God, if He was really there, to take the pain away from me immediately. That was when I heard these sweet words:

all these pieces
broken and scattered
in mercy gathered
mended and whole
empty handed 
but not forsaken 

I've been set free.

amazing grace
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
but now I am found
was blind but now I see

I had heard this song before, but in this moment the words penetrated my soul so deeply I could do nothing but sob and talk (very awkwardly) to God. Well, it was probably more of "thinking" words to him. (Oh to see what His face must've looked like in this moment!) I was at a place in my life where I was somewhat drawn into people who loved the Lord. I was shown the way you ought to look and think, but it all sounded like a bunch of rules to make my life miserable. My feet were so tightly ensnared by lies from the world that nothing anyone could say would change this heart of stone. The enemy had me comfortable in a position of passiveness.  No free cup of coffee at a fun modern church could save me or make me think differently. I had no clue how to approach God with my sin problem. No cell in my body desired to change or let go of the world. It wasn't fulfilling me, but it numbed the bad I had already done. I was putting band-aids on bullet wounds.  Admitting how bad it was just didn't appeal to me. I didn't want to be punished by a tyrant God who I feared judgement from.

Hearing the words "that saved a wretch like me," gave me a glimpse into this idea of "grace" that I had no concept of. I learned that God is rich in kindness and slow to anger. I somehow slipped learning that part in Sunday school. Or forgot. *shrug* (I've always loved definitions and looking up words so I'll just put this here:)


grace (noun):

-the free and unmerited favor of God
-good that we receive despite our undeservingness 


These words were (and are) like honey to me. Sweet and never perishing. (Yeah, who knew honey never goes bad! Same w/ grace y'all. Boom.)

So here I was at this crossroads. I knew what my sin brought me and I wasn't feeling too great about that result. I didn't know much about what Jesus would bring me, but I heard that He would never leave me or stop loving me. Fresh on my heart, I longed for the kind of love that would never leave or stop loving me. After asking my mom to leave, I sat in the fetal position on my bed. I finally quit trying to grip onto everything. I let go. I surrendered to Him. The Spirit washing over me, I declared in the eyes of only God (and my stuffed bear) that Jesus was, is, and will forever be, Lord.

He turned this heart of stone to a heart of flesh.

In that pivotal moment, I understood that Jesus came for me. To love me as I am. Right now. Broken and undeserving but longing to know Him. You see, the whole time I was seeing  Christians who had been walking with the Lord for so long and thought, "that could never be me. I'm too broken." I was also too prideful to admit I knew so little about the Bible and Jesus. If you think any of those things, let me tell you today, Jesus didn't come for those who have it all together and figured out. He came for you and me. He came in reckless pursuit of you and loves you in all your brokenness. A movie (Heart of Man) I watched recently puts it, "nothing so dead God can't bring back to life."

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
 the new creation has come: 
the old has gone, the new is here!                             <BLESS UPPPPP! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!
2 Corinthians 5:17

Too prideful to admit it then, but proudly I say now that I'm glad that boy broke my heart. The Lord used that time to introduce me to the true love of my life. Jesus set me free. And what the Son sets free, is free indeed. How truly amazing is His grace is.

This is only a snippet of my walk with Christ, but its been on my heart to share just a little so here it is. I hope you have a beautiful and blessed day, whoever you are. You are loved immeasurably.

<3 Mags.

p.s. 11/10 would recommend trusting in Jesus.